by Fransisca Dewi Ria Utari - 4 Januari 2009
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| Tari Topeng Cirebon |
It has been 3 days since Nalar catched fever. Usualy, the fever would be gone after top of her eyes was wrapped by wet cloth or slices of onion. Yesterday her grandmother, my mother, had taken her to Mak Moyong - Shaman for Chlidren. It was magic, said Shaman. But the fever still clinging even after she forced to drank Jamu* from Mak Moyong.
If this evening i get my weekly payment, I will bring Nalar to Doctor Kiki imidietly. Puskesmas* already closed when i leave pabrik. I dont have heart to wait until tomorrow. Nalar's fever was so high. Furthermore, it was all caused by myself. As mother and the cause of her sickness, I must take responsibility. More over, It's been a year that our relationship is not really warm anymore.
The cause: a year ago, when she watch me nopeng* (mask dancing) with her grandmother in village, Nalar forced me to teach her nopeng. I refuse. The lineage of mask dancer has to stop at me, i thought. Also, mask dancing call to show is not as much as before when i was young. Since lesser dancing offer, i decided to be a cigarete factory labour. Annual income, even if it just a little, more helping to stay alive for the three of us: Me, Mother, and Nalar.
Other than income, i dont want to let Nalar do the ritual that i had done years ago. Mutih* fasting, ngrowot*, Senin-Kamis fasting, also that in some date must sleep in the floor without any blanket, and the exstreem meditate in the water all night long (tapa kungkum). Years ago, when i began learnig it, i dont have any choice. Not that I don't like dancing. But, I must be realistic. This house didn't have man anymore. Not my father not my husband. They have been destinied to die befoer their wife. It's imposible if I let mother in her late age to work again. Me is enough, with the burden.
Look at this condition, it was reasonable i thougt if i don't want to Nalar to be a mask dancer. Like other kids, I want her to go to school until i couldn't pay anymore. After graduate, she could work in factory, cashier, or salesgirl.
My hope was shattered 3 months ago, Nalar taken by her grandmother to visit graveyard of Mbah Buyut* in Gabusan Village. Two hours taking bus. Back from there, Nalar madly searching the mask immidietly. The mask that i have packed dilligently in my room lemari. In front of me, She wear sampur* in her hips and take the mask in her face by gritting in her mask. When I ask, my mom denied teach her dancing. Nalar herself not saying any word. She just dance exitedly and only stop when her mask forcibly from her face.
Mother should be trying make the disire gone, like i told her, but not, She even more exited to teach Nalar dancing. With the gamelan, which remnant from the past and not complete anymore, mother accompanying Nalar Dancing. Nalar like lerep move the most, smiling she is, hitting the floor with his small feet. If only dancing, actually i'm not really worried. What i worried, she also teach her all of ther ritual which she teach me when i was at Nalar age. She is already to skinny to follow the fasting ritual and other hard ritual. As mother, i am ashamed if society think she has a vitamin deficiency. Where should i put my face? Like I am not giving her enough food.
Thats why i dont like hope into something. I was betrayed again and again by hope. My simple, humble hope, Nalar could work in the factory, be a chashier or maybe a sales girl. At least with this work as ciggarette folding labour, i can paid tuition until she graduate from highschool. I know, she is yet seven years old. Still could follow my hope. But once again, I hate to hope. Really hate it when my father was dead because malaria, and my husband never going back home since three years ago, fishing to the open atlantic sea.
Only a man left in this familiy. Danu, Nalar's brother which now 6 grade in elementary school. In this village, people left their hope to their son, but not me. But for me, Danu cant be rellied. I can trust kid which i dont know who is his father.
Maybe because i am not really welcoming him, Danu also not really care about my existence. He more care to Nalar. For him, Nalar is more than just a sister with the same mother. Nalar is a toy, maybe for him, which i never buy for him when he cried. Toy which could respon for every touch and his care.
Since Nalar was learning to dance, Danu left his bad habit playing with his friend in Pak Gatot cafe. In the past, I seen him coughing when sucking ciggarette given by his friends. When i walked past the cafe, Danu over do the smoking, lift his leg up, trying to look as a truck driver which like to gather in that cafe.
Recently, Danu prefer his activity on accompanying Nalar when learning to dance. He watch and carving Randu wood to make mask at the same time. I don't know, who and where he learnit from. Should be just try and error. From raw and crude mask, Danu litle by litle could carve the mask as big as Nalar's face.
Actually, i was happy. Danu didn't play at the cafe anymore. But still, i have many made over reason to angry at him. Evenmore when i got back from factory, in really tired condition. Carving trash in the lawn, a really suitable things for me to throw it in his face. With touching his eyes being hurt by the dust, Danu only can save his anger and take broom and clean the thrash. Nalar cry, the only thing she can do in the moment.
My anger toward Danu at its peak when Nalar got sick. The reason, 4 days ago, when i got job to dance at the nearby village. Rich and rice seller has been won as head of the village. I was asked to dance with Yu Wasis. Mother not really agree with my decision to dance "tayuban" again. She prefer Nopeng (mask dancing). Nopeng is more dignifiable rather than "nayub", she said. Go to hell with dignity, whats more important than getting money to buy food in this condition?
After i left, not that i know, Nalar was searching for me. When she heard from Danu that i got an ask to "nayub", she's crying, begging to watch. She thought i was "nopeng". Danu was able to convince grandmother, that he could take care Nalar accompanying her watch me dancing. Immedietly they follow without me noticed.
I don't know when they arrive. My attention was kept by horny man that i can neckle with my sampur*. They easilest give money, and place it in my kemben*, slipping it into my breast. Night become more late, my mission was not achived with just tens of hand competing into my breast. The rich rice seller is my secret admirer, people said. He would be giving me many money if i able to make us sleep together. Sadly, my plan was wrecked. When the night become darkest, I saw Nalar and Danu, standing beside others. I realise it only when some men was left. My flirting lips become awkward immedietly, when i saw Nalar's pale face. She looked alike wanted to cry when Kang Jono touching my breast. I left stage, running. I take their hand. Rushing back home. Let the money be Yu Wasis's.
Along the way, forcefully i took these two child of mine with mixed feeling. Nalar hug me so thight, burried her face in my breast. Meanwhile Danu not even gave a noise. Only the sound of his naked feet facing the grass.
Arrived at home, i went to bedroom dan lay down Nalar that already sleeping. After that, I left the room and take Danu's hand whose standing groggily in the middle room. Not caring my mother shout busily asking what really is happening with correcting her fused hair. I go into mask saving room. What I know, Danu really scared with this room. Halfly i push him inside. I didnt care with his cry. Without saying anything, i locked the door. I could still hear his cry from outside.
In the morning, i woke up by Nalar's voice and her hot armpit caused by fever. "Mas Danu. Mas Danu," she said with eyes still closed. The soft voice she call her brother makes me get up from my bed. I canceled y intention to keep Danu in the room. At least feeling his brother presence make her more calm.
I can't find Danu in the punishment room. I found the lock didn't installed. My mother must be let him go this morning. But when I asked, she denied: "When I woke up this morning, the door is already like that," Mom said, grating her coconut. From that moment, I didn't find Danu go back home again.
Nalar temperature isn't stable since Danu gone. I've already brought her to Puskesmas and doctor which more expensive, they can't find any definite problem. Many kind of drugs, from doctor and alternative from shaman, has been tryed. But, the result still the same. Nalar only looks calm and getting better every time she hold the mask built by Danu.
Since Nalar's unstable condition, my finance is become even worse. It has been weeks since the factory closed temporarily. Some of my friend tell me, the family cigarette company which been 50 years ago would be sell. Tayub's call become lesser and lesser. Luckly, two days ago, Mr. Saidi, Gamelan player that usualy acompanying me dance, tell me that there would be a politic campaign that want to show mask dance.
"Why not tayub, Sir?" I ask.
"Tayub would be more massive. But the campaign want the event to polite. Because you know the campaign said, appreciation for our own traditional art, so they are trying to collect some traditional art group in this region," Mr.Saidi said.
"But the one chosen is the polite one. It's not fair," I protest.
"I dont really know. Just follow it. Oh ya, they also want the mask be colored green, caring for environment look alike they said."
"What? first for traditional art appreciation, then for environment care. Is it a joke?"
Mr. Saidi raising his shoulders, "for the vote sake. What ever popular for people liking."
That evening, I instruct her grandma to keep and watch over Nalar's at home. I ignore Nalar's cry, protesting the masks changing the color into green. Only one mask left for not be green. The little mask as big as her face made by Danu for her. I don't want to take risk, her temparature would be high again when i dance. At least after i get the money from the event, I can take her to docter in town.
I got second turn, after Angklung Music Group which become the first show after the party leader give his speech. Eventough its not the formal campaign, the tradional party for people held by the party being crowded by people hungry for entertainment. Whats more, before the event began there are free daily necesity being given.
Enjoyly I got my mask on. Slowly I get bup from sitting. From the position not facing the crowd, i turn my body after making sure my mask not move. At that moment, I spread my eyes from the masks hole, I see Nalar and Danu standing at middle of the crowd. They holding hand. My dance stop. My Body freezzing. In the back of my mask, I see Nalar smiling. In one of her hand holding her favorite mask, one that made for her by Danu. Slowly she bring the mask, up to her face, using it. Still holding hand, both of my child turn back. Take a walk away not even sure where to. Thats the last time i see them both.
Jakarta, 15 December 2008.
P.S. This is the beginning of my translating journey..
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